It seems my unrealistic anticipation of three “workless” months has arrived right on schedule, bearing with it the usual plethora of lofty summer goals. So many things to accomplish! So much sunshiny time to accomplish them! Somebody fetch me my magical unicorn so I can get started!
Fellow teachers, you know what I mean. June, July, and August are the PROMISED LAND – three glorious months in which anything is possible. Novels are written, toddlers are potty-trained, lotteries are won, days are spent sipping spiked lemonade by infinity pools while children who always share and never ask questions play quietly in the peripheries. Perfection is actualized. Dreams are LIVED. It sounds so lovely, doesn’t it?
Every year around the middle of June I begin cursing my household’s hierarchy of needs (damn you, children, for needing washed and fed when your mother has a bestseller to write!), but in the weeks preceding, I turn a blind eye to the inevitable and bask in the eagerness of what could (never) be. Does it set me up for disappointment? Absolutely. Do I do it anyway?
Psh. Would I have created this summer syllabus if I didn’t?
Overton Syllabus | Summer 2016
Course Description: This three-month reprieve will provide you with an introduction to the world of rest and happiness, starting with vigorous lessons on sun tanning, Netflix bingeing, and margarita mixing. From there, we will work to refine your sleeping-in skills, as well as your ability to make your kids behave while inhaling ice cream from a pool raft. Please note the class’s significantly underwhelming course load before enrolling, as we accept no quitters.
Daily Materials: You and your sexy summer bod, courtesy of this spring’s Girl Scout cookies and the recent release of Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy.
Daily Expectations: Forgo folding laundry to write a book. | Forgo potty training to swim. | Forgo mowing the lawn to update your wardrobe (see also: online shopping). | Forgo disciplining children to take daily naps. | Forgo washing dishes to grill nightly steaks.
Behavior Policy: Failure to comply with the aforementioned expectations will result in a timeout. You will be asked to find a quiet corner, and think long and hard about what you’ve done.
Course Objective: To transcend the daily grind and achieve ultimate summer nirvana.